i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
<—- homeless romantic
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Oh my god
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭