Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
just got my engagement photos
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
work smarter, not harder
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes