Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”