Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You Might Also Like
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.