Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
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Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?