That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
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a lot to unpack here
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
three things we don’t talk about
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then