I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Air conditioning – not a fan
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay