Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
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I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Cheer up.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
those birds must be on payroll
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers