No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
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The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.