Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Holy moly
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
john wicks are toilet candles
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.