Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
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Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I hate my earbuds.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Super Hand Dog Face
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.