me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
🤣🤣🤣