Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny