“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
You Might Also Like
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Always
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Lmbo
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.