[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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Still cracks me up
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it