Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?