Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
this could fix me
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.