My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’m too immature for adultery.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”