Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Somewhere in an alternate universe