My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
You Might Also Like
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you