I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Has there ever been a more American story?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.