Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner