Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
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Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed