so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
yall want some gasoline milk
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Yes, but it was never about money