Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
This is so me 😂😂
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.