If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.