[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”