everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.