My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden