“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
War & Peace
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.