A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No