the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Lmbo
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.