My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.