My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Oh. My. God.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?