INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Comparing yourself to others
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming