Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
🙀🙀🙀😹
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Terribly Tuesday.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.