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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just a friendly reminder!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
as is their right
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
cat vs inanimate object
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.