Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
#Caturday
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.