It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams