Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
We found love in a hopeless place.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother