Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.