Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The Struggle
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”