I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
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⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
This makes total sense…
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.