Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Husband of the year 😂
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“i am a sweet baby”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?