People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I put the h in mysterious.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now