2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
You Might Also Like
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit