Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My kid is playing doctor and so far heâs thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
My wedding will be open casket.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Wonât eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Just did that little side to side âoops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each otherâs way arenât we silly!â dance with someone and she ended up saying âoh just move out the way! Idiotâ
Thatâs not in the rules!
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
đ”Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRđ¶
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said âis that what you look like in real life??â
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
this isnât my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote ârodeoâ for the 2nd time
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared đ
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
The fun thing about Airbnbâs is that you get to clean someone elseâs house on your vacation
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.