*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America