You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
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falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
When I said I liked it rough.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!