If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
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My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.